Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
