Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
