Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
