I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
