I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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