saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
