I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Only a mothe r could love this liver
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
