you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
