Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
