Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
