what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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