Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
