My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
