The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
