I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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