shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
