Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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