absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
