Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish you could order shots online.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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