How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
