I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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