Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
