You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
honey bunches of taint.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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