Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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