Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
