i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
