thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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