It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
