I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
