I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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