I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
