why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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