Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's just like the Real World with babies
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We need a shit load of segways right now
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
