guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
