Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
