dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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