Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
