Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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