someone threw a dead crab at me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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