I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
third nipple confirmed
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize