Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
