1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize