did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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