it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
