can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
