Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
