I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
