don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
