Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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