so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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