Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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