She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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