Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
