K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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