i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
