it wasn't lemon gatorade
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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