Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
