i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
