Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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