I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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