How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
