Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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