: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize