the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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