I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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