went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
