i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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