All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
