I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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