3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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