Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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