i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
