I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Someone signed my nipple.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
